Deep Dark Fears (basically a ramble on why I'm afraid of the sea)

I've never really considered myself to have any proper, fully-fledged phobias of anything. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of things that I'm not particularly fond of, or that make me uneasy. I don't like spiders when they're inside my house (they don't bother me outside); I don't like being in crowds so big that you're constantly being jostled by strangers (this is part of the reason why I've never been to a festival - that and I hate camping and port-a-loo's); I'm not very good on roller-coasters, I have to really build myself up to go on them and even then I usually shut my eyes the entire time because it's not as scary if I can't see what's coming (that being said, I still don't think I'll ever go on Oblivion ever, ever again). However I wouldn't say that any of these are crippling fears, and I wouldn't consider them particularly debilitating to my life. I wouldn't let them stop me from going to a Theme Park or somewhere I know will be very crowded.

The only thing I can think of that I would equate to a genuine fear would be the ocean. The ocean terrifies me, and it's something that has only intensified as I have grown older. I still love the beach and the water, and I will still paddle and swim (if the water visibility is perfect and I'm absolutely sure there is nothing in that area that could kill me). But there is always something in the back of my mind that sets me on edge and stops me from being a hundred percent in the moment. I would never let my guard down in the ocean, and whenever I do go swimming in the sea I am constantly reassessing my surroundings, and where I am in relation to the shore/boat and how long it would take me to get there in a hurry if I needed to. And yes, part of this is my irrational fear that there could be a shark literally anywhere (even places that I have been assured there aren't). It's silly, I know, but Jaws is one of my favourite films and I have an overactive imagination. 

I've been thinking about it and I think I can remember where the root of my fear began. I can't remember how old I was (maybe about 6 or 7), but I think we were in Dubai and my brother and I were playing in the waves. All we were doing was letting them catch us and riding over them, like surfing I guess only without the boards. Some of them were getting quite big and closer together and after I had just gone over one wave, the next one was already starting to break so instead of being able to go over it, I got caught at the bottom and pushed under the water. I was stuck in the momentum of the wave and got caught in the next one too, and it just kept me tumbling round and round, unable to get free. After that one I managed to swim to the surface and I couldn't have been under the water for longer than 30 seconds realistically, probably less, but it felt like ages. Once I'd got my breath back I carried on playing, because when you're a kid, the fun outweighs the fear always. But I think that ever since then I've always had that moment in my mind every time I've been swimming in the sea.

When I was fourteen I was part of a school trip that went to Vietnam. We went on a boat trip and we were allowed to jump off the top into the water. It was actually really high up, and it was starting to get dark so the visibility in the water wasn't great, but there's something about being surrounded by friends that makes you brave, and I did it. Twice. It's funny, the journey down was exhilarating, but after I had plunged into the sea and come up to the surface, it felt quite unnerving to be in that much water. After the second time, two of my friends came towards me on a kayak and one of them, thinking he was oh so hilarious, pointed behind me and said, with a panicked expression, "Look out Emma, a shark!" Deep down inside, I knew he was joking, but by that time I had managed to sufficiently freak myself out. I didn't even bother looking behind me, just swam to their kayak as fast as I could and nearly capsized it climbing on board. It's safe to say that after that I lost my nerve and didn't do it again. I don't think I'd have the nerve to do it now, to be honest.

As much as I don't want to let it stop me from ever enjoying myself (and I won't), I do think that it's appropriate to have a certain amount of fear of the ocean. The ocean isn't our home; we don't live there.  Every time we go in the sea, we are invading the space of the creatures (many of which can easily kill you) that do. The ocean itself is like it's own entity, moving with the waves and currents which can also, incidentally, kill you. I think a lot of people don't fully respect the ocean. But I do. At heart, humans are selfish creatures, but when we're in the vastness of the ocean, we're forced to realise how insignificant we are. Honestly, that's what makes it the most rational fear of all.

Song of the Day: A Song About Love by Jake Bugg

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It's okay to feel good!

So today I feel cute as a button. I took these pictures and I love them so much. Is that conceited of me? Because it shouldn't be. Anytime that you just feel like you look great (whether or not anyone else agrees with you) should be a time that you celebrate. Girls are constantly bombarded with conflicting information about how they should look and behave - you're encouraged to make yourself look good but you aren't allowed to acknowledge when you do. It's a sad world we live in when confident girls can instead be accused of arrogance. Apparently it's much more appealing for girls to be insecure.

But here's the point I'm trying - very inarticulately - to make. No one feels beautiful or cute or whatever other word you want to use every single day. So on the days when you do, embrace that feeling and wear it like it's a badge that says 'I am fantastic' on it. Because when you feel that content it shines out of your face.

I've reminded myself of that Roald Dahl quote from The Twits - 

A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts it will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.

It's just something that I think is worth remembering.

Hat: Gift

Cardigan: Gift (Warehouse)

Top: ASOS

Skirt: Topshop

Leggings: Dorothy Perkins

Shoes: Primark

Song of the Day: Happy by Pharrell Williams

Currently Reading: I started Eleanor & Park by Rainbow Rowell the other night and I'm already about 3/4 of the way through - it's just one of the books you can devour.

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Writer's Block

I've been suffering from Writer's Block lately when it comes to my blog. Occasionally I'll think of things that would make great blog posts, but then I never know how to start them, or I'm not in the mood, or I feel like I can't quite form a coherent opinion on whatever subject it is I wanted to write about in the first place. And then I read Suzy's post about a recent article on Jennifer Aniston's anti-aging regime, and the pressures put on women by the media to look good, and all of that got me thinking about self-esteem. 


I've never thought of myself as a particularly self-conscious person. Don't get me wrong; I'm still a girl, and when I was 14 and 15 I never thought I was pretty at all, and was constantly comparing how I looked to how my friends looked, and thinking that no boy would ever want to go out with me, etc etc, you know the story. But when I was 16, I finally got a decent(ish) haircut, I got contact lenses (which I had wanted for ages), and I generally just gradually began to feel more comfortable in my own skin. Pretty much ever since then, I've never been overly worried about my appearance. Sure, I still have days when I don't feel like I look that nice, but I think everyone has those days, and it doesn't really bother me anymore. In that respect, I feel incredibly lucky because I know of people who are cripplingly self-conscious about their appearance, and no matter how many times they're told how gorgeous they are, it doesn't really matter, because that kind of validation first and foremost has to come from yourself.


I definitely wouldn't want to go back to how I thought of myself when I was 14 years old, but self-esteem isn't just about how you look, it's also how you feel about things that you do. English was always my best subject at school, and I loved creative writing. I would sit at my desk with my hand-me-down laptop and write all sorts of silly little stories, or chapters of a book never to be written. And a lot of the time they'd never really go anywhere, I probably wouldn't show them to anyone unless I was particularly pleased with it, but I was confident enough to just stop over-analyzing everything I was writing and just...write. But now, at 23 years old, I can't remember the last time I wrote something that I didn't delete shortly after. I can't remember what it felt like to be able to just write without constantly stopping to re-read everything. It's annoying because I know that that's the only way I'm going to get better, but now I just don't feel confident about my writing, and I worry that I'll never be good enough. And isn't that what self-esteem is? Just feeling good enough?


However, if past experiences have taught me anything, it's that I won't always feel this way. Although I don't feel confident in my writing right now, I do feel confident that this feeling will pass, and that at some point in the (hopefully) not too distant future, I will be able to sit down and write, and just see where it takes me.


Song of the Day: Go Your Own Way by Fleetwood Mac


Currently Reading: It

Incensed - something a bit different

I was surfin' the net, as you do, and I came across this on tumblr, about Rick Santorum. He is a member of the Republican Party and has now entered the 2012 presidential election campaign, so that's good news (sarcasm LOL). The idea that this man wants to implement a blanket ban on abortion is ridiculous, and it is even more ridiculous that he thinks doctors who perform abortions should be criminally charged. I cannot believe the hypocrisy here, when his own wife had an abortion when her life was endangered. It was obviously a difficult decision and no one wants to go through something like that, but you'd think that an experience like that would change his opinion on abortion? Apparently not.

It always makes me angry when I read about republicans wanting to introduce legislation like this about abortion, because I always think that they'd change their opinion if they or someone they loved was suddenly in a pregnancy situation (such as rape, or illness) where they might not want to keep the baby. However, Santorum has experienced this, and he still wants to implement a ban which, if it was in place in 1997, would have meant his wife would have died.

This boggles me. It completely boggles my mind. Abortion should ALWAYS be a choice for the women left with unwanted pregnancies. I don't for one minute think that abortion should be used as contraception by silly girls who forget to insist upon a condom. There are plenty of contraception options out there and if there are any girls who actively think that if they do get pregnant they can always have an abortion then there is something terribly wrong with the world. However, accidents happen, and for those who are raped; for those who become ill; if a scan picks up any birth defects, or for those women who are just not ready, they should always have the choice.

The last paragraph of the blog-post (from a blog run by Michael Kindt) I linked at the beginning says this:

“Abortion in any form is wrong,” said Santorum in 2000, three years after the tragedy. “Except for my wife. If your wife’s life was at stake and the only thing that could save her was an abortion, well, too bad. Your wife will have to die. It was different with my wife. You see, I love her. I don’t even know your wife’s name.”

The quotation marks shouldn't be there because as far as I'm aware, Santorum never actually said this, it was probably just inferred by the author for emphasis. However, the sentiment I think is exactly right. He's a filthy hypocrite and if he gets into office I think it would be a disaster. No one with such poisonous ideas should be in a position of power.

Striking

At my university, and at a lot of other universities all around the UK (if not all), the lecturers are going to be striking on Thursday because of the cuts being made to their pensions and wages in general. They want the students to support them, because you know, 'united we stand, divided we fall' and all that. I was going to write a post about it, but I've been thinking about it and I've decided that I really don't know what my opinion is on said strikes.

On the one hand, I completely agree that 30% cuts (I think that's right) to their pensions is ridiculously unfair and they have every right to complain about it, and I honestly hope that they do manage to sort this out. 

However, on the other hand, I think it's really inconvenient for students to have their lectures/seminars postponed (or cancelled completely in some cases, I'll bet), when they have limited contact time in the first place, for a strike that in all honesty probably won't do much, if anything, for the cause. Not that strikes never work, because obviously they have done in the past, but in the unfortunate economic climate we're currently living in I just don't think now is the time.

At the moment, there's a Facebook group going around that a lot of people have joined telling everyone to boycott petrol stations on the 6th April (or somewhere around that date) in protest of the extortionate petrol prices (bear with me, I promise I'm going somewhere with this). The idea behind this is that the petrol companies will lose so much money on this day that they'll just have to lower the prices. Of course, the mastermind behind this idea has failed to realise that even if by some miracle, every single driver in the country went along with this and didn't re-fuel on the day, the money the petrol companies would make in the days before and after the 6th in the preparation and aftermath of the boycott would more than make up for any losses incurred. One day wouldn't even be a drop in the ocean for them.

Although I've just gone off on a massive tangent, this is how I feel about the lecturers strike. The few hours they're going to be striking for won't really make a difference, I don't think. Whoever instigated these cuts will be well aware that people affected are going to be unhappy about them, because why wouldn't they? Of course people aren't going to take a 30% cut quietly. What I'm trying to say is that when cuts are made, strikes are probably expected by those who caused them, and so it will be no easy feat to turn the situation around. I hope that a continuous strike doesn't start, with lectures and seminars and the marking of essays stopping indefinitely, because it just seems like a massive slap in the face to the students who are paying to be at university.

Wow, it looks like I do have an opinion on the strike.

I don't want this to sound like I'm not sympathetic to the cause, because I really am, and if I was in their position I'd probably be doing the same thing. I just think that at the moment, in a time where unemployment is high, and cuts are being made left, right and centre, maybe people should just be thankful they actually have jobs and save striking for a better time, or at least continue negotiating non-disruptively. I don't know, it's a tricky subject because there's a lot of lecturers who truly deserve a lot more money than they're actually earning because they go above and beyond to help their students. But a lot of lecturers are...I don't know, I suppose lazy is perhaps the best word for it.

I know this hasn't been a particularly jolly post, but I've been a bit forlorn today because we watched a couple of episodes of Boys from the Blackstuff in my seminar this morning, and it's just so depressing. If you haven't seen any, I'd recommend watching them, but just be aware that it's not exactly a barrel of laughs.

******

Today I'm loving: That my ear popped all on its own, saving me a trip to the doctors.

Today I'm hatin': Nothing at the moment, I have it pretty good right now.

Song of the Day: The Wish by Josh Canova

I'm fine/I'll do it myself like I've done it before/And I won't need anyone's help, I mean anyone's help/But I might not learn how to fix this/Or even change it 

I woke up this morning, turned on my laptop and went on the internet to check my emails, and underneath the Google search-bar, it said this:

"Tsunami Alert for New Zealand, the Philippines, Indonesia, Papua New Guinea, Hawaii, and others. Waves expected over the next few hours, caused by 8.9 earthquake in Japan."

We've had the news on ever since.

It's strange that you go to bed, and you expect everything to be the same the next day. You forget sometimes that the world doesn't go to sleep just because you do.   

Damn you, West Bromwich Albion

On the whole, I am pretty indifferent to football. Sure, I like it when England win because I'm English, and as Wolverhampton is my hometown, I like it when Wolves win too, but I don't lose sleep over it when they don't. However, today was a local derby between Wolves and West Brom. And that makes all the difference.

I really, really hate West Brom. I don't really know why, because as I said before, I'm pretty indifferent to football. It must just be drilled into my consciousness that because I'm from Wolverhampton, I have to support Wolves and therefore I have to hate West Brom. And so I do. For my seminar on Tuesday, I have to write out a page of information about the 1983 British General Election (yawn), but instead of getting it out of the way, I sat staring at my laptop screen as it flashed up news of the match. Wolves were 1-0 up and as it got into the last five minutes, I sat anxiously biting my nails, hoping West Brom wouldn't equalize at the last minute. Which of course, they did. In injury time, no less. Normally, I would shrug it off and say, "well, at least we didn't lose!" Not today. I was fuming.

Of course the beauty of my general football attitude is that I'm now completely over it and can carry on with my life. It shouldn't take me too much longer to finish my seminar work, and then tomorrow I can finish my essay which is also due on Tuesday. I think I'm getting slightly better at balancing my time now (it's only taken me 3 years), but it is quite hard to focus on my dissertation sometimes, especially when I have sooner deadlines for other pieces of work, not to mention all the reading I have to do. Sigh. It's a hard life.

In other (much more important) news, my brother's lovely girlfriend, Pauline, has been working with a couple of other people in Ireland to set up a Lyme Disease charity, and it's just been awarded official charitable status. It's an extremely over-looked disease and not many people really understand what it is or how it can affect you, so if you're interested take a look at their website: http://www.ticktalkireland.org/ It's an Ireland based charity, but even if you don't live in Ireland, it's still good to be aware!

That's all folks.

Today I'm loving: The home-made pasties Daf's mum brought us. Yum.

Today I'm hatin': West Brom, grrr.

Song of the Day: She Spider by Mew
I saved myself/For someone somewhere's sweet caress/Something goes wrong/And all I sought was happiness 

Pinch, Punch...

...first of the month and all that.

I just got back from my first 3 hour seminar on Margaret Thatcher.[Edit: I started writing this at about 12.30. It's taken me a while.] It wasn't that bad, but it's really hit me how much work I've got to do this semester. It's not like I wasn't expecting it to be hard or anything, and I know I can do it, it's just a little bit daunting. So naturally I'm now procrastinating by writing this.

I have just one thing on my weekly timetable; the seminar I've been to this morning, and that's it. I will have a couple of meetings with my dissertation supervisor, but now that I'm halfway through my third year, I work mainly on a self-directed basis and so my contact time with History department staff is minimal. It's got me thinking about the tuition fees though, and how the government is justifying the ridiculous jump in the cost of the fees. I've gotten off lucky, because I graduate this year and so my fees won't be affected, but all new students will have to fork out £9,000 a year, which is absolutely extortionate. When my brother started at university, the fees were at around £1,000 a year, or thereabouts. When I started three years later, the fees had risen to around £3,000 a year, which is a big enough rise as it is, but then again lots of things have been gradually getting more expensive over the years. Now I don't know how much the fees were for people starting in the three years since I started university, I don't know if they were the same or a little bit more expensive, but the fact remains that as of the next academic year (I'm assuming that's when the new fees will be implemented) the fees will be triple what they were for me, and that's really hard for me to wrap my head around.

I know that all universities are different, and all the different subjects within those universities are structured separately, but if it was me having to pay nine grand a year for my course, I would feel completely robbed. Classes don't even start until late September/early October; there's a reading week for Arts and Humanities courses somewhere in the middle; Christmas break is about a month; January is exam time; semester two lectures start in February; another reading week just before the Easter break; three weeks-ish off for Easter; then a final week or two of teaching before revision and exams, and you're finished for the summer by early June. Now that's only my university, but I know people at others who have a similar time-line. Fair enough, some courses are pretty much 9-5 every day, or at least nearly every day, but that is nowhere near the case for every course and so the amount that the fees has jumped to is, in my humble opinion, completely unjustified.

Although I don't pretend to know much about politics or the economy, I do understand that we're in a recession and that cut-backs need to be made, I just question why it has to be such a huge leap. It's so unfair that higher education will now only be available for the rich, or for those who are awarded benefits. It is hardly a progressive society when people who earn their place in university cannot go because of the ludicrous fees.

Alright, rant over. On a lighter note, watch this:

You've probably been living under a rock if you haven't already seen it, but it's still really funny. Enjoy!

Today I'm loving: that My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding is on tonight. I know, it's awful, but I just can't look away.

Today I'm hatin': stupid gone off chicken.

Song of the Day: Song Beneath The Song by Maria Taylor.  

Cryptic words meander/Now there is a song beneath the song/One day you'll learn/You'll soon discern its true meaning

Sexism

Firstly, I need to readdress what I said in my previous post about the "lacklustre" season finale of Lost. Turns out what I thought was the finale wasn't actually the finale at all, but the penultimate episode. We suspected something was amiss when we put on the first episode of season two and realised that none of the clips showed at the beginning during the "Previously on Lost..." bit were familiar. Anyway, we put in the last disc of the first series (which I had thought was bonus features) and found the missing episode. It wasn't lack-lustre at all; in fact it was full of lustre. Apologies, Lost, I take it all back.

So there's been some drama over the weekend about Sky Sports News presenters Andy Gray and Richard Keys making off-air sexist comments about female officials not knowing the offside rule during the Wolves v. Liverpool match where there was a female official working. The Mail on Sunday managed to obtain the tape and it caused a very embarrassing situation for Sky Sports. Oh, and my favourite part is when Keys says, referring to West Ham vice-chairman Karren Brady's piece about sexism in a Saturday newspaper: "See charming Karren Brady this morning complaining about sexism? Yeah. Do me a favour, love." Brilliant. Especially when you consider the irony that he's now been caught up in a sexism row.

Apparently, no one can see the funny side here; the whole world's lost its sense of humour. Now I'm not condoning sexism here, but I really don't see what the big deal is. I wonder how many blokes made the exact same comment whilst watching the match in the pub? The official in question, Sian Massey, went on to make a crucial correct borderline decision (or so I read, I can't say I watched the match myself), so she's evidently a perfectly capable lines-woman. Plus, undoubtedly, she's heard it all before and has probably learned to take it on the chin.

Gray and Keys have now been disciplined by Sky Sports News and were dropped from covering yesterday's Bolton v. Chelsea match, and Keys has also telephoned Massey to personally apologise for the remarks (which she has apparently accepted). Hopefully that'll be the end of it. [Update: Andy Gray has been sacked!] They were obviously very silly to make such comments whilst wearing microphones, but the whole incident just highlights the fact that you really can't say anything these days. Look how much trouble a bit of banter has got Gray and Keys into. Anyway, I think that if people were completely honest with themselves, they'd realise that everyone is at least a tiny bit sexist, whether or not they're particularly vocal about it. It's unavoidable. Men think women are bad drivers and women think that no man will ever stop to ask for directions. Men think that women can't go to the toilet by themselves on a night out and women think men can't multi-task. It's an on-going saga. I, personally, do not know what the offside rule is. My boyfriend has explained it to me on several occasions but I never seem to retain this knowledge. I think the simple reason is that I just don't care.

Today I'm loving: this video that I just found on my laptop. I think it was from Lauren's camera, so thanks Lauren!

Today I'm hatin': ahh I can't think of anything...um, the rain I guess.

Song of the day: Shooting Star by Air Traffic.  

Pretty if the sun won't shine/I'll be coming out to meet you/I'll be there to make you mine