I've been listening to the album Fires by Nerina Pallot a lot lately and for some reason it made me think of things and people that I haven't thought about in years. It's interesting to me that sometimes even though people may only be in your life fleetingly, they can still have an impact on how you see the world, or how you view relationships. Everyone you meet has the ability to help you grow in their own way, I guess. Anyway, I got inspired to write a few letters to people. Some involve wounds that have long since healed, but it felt quite cathartic to write everything down anyway. They're mostly to boys, such is life. I've left out the names on all except one, because these are real people and y'know, privacy. I could have just written these in a diary and left them there for me to read only, but in the end I wanted to put them here. So I'm releasing them into the void.
Dear _____,
I used to think I was in love with you, which is so silly to me now but it's how I felt at the time. Oh to be young and hopelessly naive. You had a girlfriend who went to a different college and so I knew it was utterly useless and one-sided, but you used to flirt with me outrageously. Always giving me hugs and pulling me onto your lap and making me feel like I was special. Looking back at it now, you knew; you must have known how I felt, and yet you toyed with me anyway. You left me dangling on a string, lapping up any attention you threw my way. That was really shitty of you.
Dear _____,
You seemed to come into my life out of nowhere but somehow at just the right time, and I fell head over heels pretty quickly. We weren't together for very long, but you were wonderful and I'm grateful to you for a lot of reasons, mostly how you always treated me with such care. I'm glad that you ended things when you did because I think that if you had left it much later you would have broken my heart. It's been almost nine years, but I still remember you fondly. I wish you well.
Dear _____,
You somewhat misguidedly decided to confess your feelings for me while we were in the cinema with friends watching Happy Feet, and even though I didn't feel the same, you never accused me of putting you in the 'friend-zone' (ugh). Your friendship meant the world to me and I was so worried it would never be the same again, that you wouldn't want to face me. But you never let it get awkward, you just let it go and never treated my friendship as a consolation prize. You easily could have just ignored me for the rest of the year but I'm so glad you didn't - you made that year a bit more bearable for me. Thank you.
Dear _____,
If I could go back in time and not meet someone, it would be you. Your brief presence in my life did absolutely nothing for me and I still don't know what I was thinking. I always knew it would end. I just wish it hadn't started in the first place.
Dear _____,
I'm so glad that you're one of the people I'm still in contact with. No matter how much time passes between us seeing each other, it is always seamless when we're together. I hope no measure of time changes that. Even though we had that turbulent year and I spent a lot of time angry at you and thinking you were the worst of us, you were actually always the best of us. You still are. I'll see you soon.
Dear _____,
I don't know if you'd even remember this, drunk as you were, but once you ended up on the phone to me while you guys were all out partying and I wasn't, and at first you said you wanted some girl advice, but then you told me that you missed me because I hadn't been around much lately. And then you said that my boyfriend would never love me like you did. You paused, and then you laughed a little, and so I laughed too. But I always wondered if you meant it - alcohol tends to loosen the tongue after all. You never mentioned it again, you'd probably forgotten and so I didn't bring it up. You were one of my best friends, and we don't talk anymore. I hope you're happy.
Dear _____,
I don't even know where to begin. I'm terrible at staying in touch with people who live near me let alone people that live further away and I'm sorry for that. I miss being able to see you all the time and I still think of you as my best friend even though I might not have the right to anymore. Of all the pictures I have in frames, you are in most of them so I think of you everyday and sometimes I miss you so much that it overwhelms me and I want to call you. But I'm in a weird head-space lately and I don't know what I'd say. I do want to see you soon though. I love you.
Dear _____,
You were the first boy I ever really loved, did you know that? It almost seemed like it was fated; you ending up in the room right opposite mine, and from the first time you wrapped your arms around me on the steps outside the student union because we were cold, I knew something amazing was going to happen. And it did. If it wasn't for you, I might not have gone back to university after first year so in some ways I guess I owe getting through my degree to you. But oh, we used to fight. We used to scream at each other and say nasty words and make each other cry and it was so much sometimes that it felt like the world was ending. But we loved each other, didn't we? That used to bring us back together. That used to be enough, until it wasn't anymore. Something changed. I watched the distance grow and grow between us until I just felt empty inside, and I'm so sorry that I left it so long without saying anything. Maybe I thought it would fix itself and I didn't want to worry you. But I think I was just delaying the inevitable; trying to hold onto you for as long as I could, until I couldn't take it anymore. It was selfish of me, I know, to ambush you with it like I did. I still clearly remember you telling me "I feel like I don't know you anymore" and that shattered me. I still wish we could have retained some contact but I understand why it wasn't really possible, I don't know why I ever expected it to be.
There are days when I miss you so much it makes my heart ache. There are days when I don't think about you at all.
Dear Jack,
These days, I often don't want to go anywhere or see anyone. Social situations (unless I know about them in advance and can mentally prepare myself) are more likely to make me anxious as I try to avoid or deflect questions about my life with jokes that make it sound like I don't care. (I do care.) But you never make me feel like I have to be anything other than who I am, even if I don't know exactly who that is. I am such a grumpy bugger whilst you are a ray of fucking sunshine and I will always be glad to see you at the end of the day, even though I'm unlikely to ever tell you that to your face. You are an open book, whereas I am decidedly not, but it works. No one has ever been as patient with me as you are and I'm fully aware that I don't make things easy. I'm selfish and erratic and indecisive and sometimes I expect you to be a mind reader. But I've also never laughed with anyone as much as I have laughed with you. Whenever I have bad days and feel like I'm worthless, just having you near makes me feel human again and I'm eternally grateful for that.
I'm forever yours.
