Letters I will never send

I've been listening to the album Fires by Nerina Pallot a lot lately and for some reason it made me think of things and people that I haven't thought about in years. It's interesting to me that sometimes even though people may only be in your life fleetingly, they can still have an impact on how you see the world, or how you view relationships. Everyone you meet has the ability to help you grow in their own way, I guess. Anyway, I got inspired to write a few letters to people. Some involve wounds that have long since healed, but it felt quite cathartic to write everything down anyway. They're mostly to boys, such is life. I've left out the names on all except one, because these are real people and y'know, privacy. I could have just written these in a diary and left them there for me to read only, but in the end I wanted to put them here. So I'm releasing them into the void.

Dear _____,

I used to think I was in love with you, which is so silly to me now but it's how I felt at the time. Oh to be young and hopelessly naive. You had a girlfriend who went to a different college and so I knew it was utterly useless and one-sided, but you used to flirt with me outrageously. Always giving me hugs and pulling me onto your lap and making me feel like I was special. Looking back at it now, you knew; you must have known how I felt, and yet you toyed with me anyway. You left me dangling on a string, lapping up any attention you threw my way. That was really shitty of you.

Dear _____,

You seemed to come into my life out of nowhere but somehow at just the right time, and I fell head over heels pretty quickly. We weren't together for very long, but you were wonderful and I'm grateful to you for a lot of reasons, mostly how you always treated me with such care. I'm glad that you ended things when you did because I think that if you had left it much later you would have broken my heart. It's been almost nine years, but I still remember you fondly. I wish you well.

Dear _____,

You somewhat misguidedly decided to confess your feelings for me while we were in the cinema with friends watching Happy Feet, and even though I didn't feel the same, you never accused me of putting you in the 'friend-zone' (ugh). Your friendship meant the world to me and I was so worried it would never be the same again, that you wouldn't want to face me. But you never let it get awkward, you just let it go and never treated my friendship as a consolation prize. You easily could have just ignored me for the rest of the year but I'm so glad you didn't - you made that year a bit more bearable for me. Thank you.

Dear _____,

If I could go back in time and not meet someone, it would be you. Your brief presence in my life did absolutely nothing for me and I still don't know what I was thinking. I always knew it would end. I just wish it hadn't started in the first place. 

Dear _____,

I'm so glad that you're one of the people I'm still in contact with. No matter how much time passes between us seeing each other, it is always seamless when we're together. I hope no measure of time changes that. Even though we had that turbulent year and I spent a lot of time angry at you and thinking you were the worst of us, you were actually always the best of us. You still are. I'll see you soon.

Dear _____,

I don't know if you'd even remember this, drunk as you were, but once you ended up on the phone to me while you guys were all out partying and I wasn't, and at first you said you wanted some girl advice, but then you told me that you missed me because I hadn't been around much lately. And then you said that my boyfriend would never love me like you did. You paused, and then you laughed a little, and so I laughed too. But I always wondered if you meant it - alcohol tends to loosen the tongue after all. You never mentioned it again, you'd probably forgotten and so I didn't bring it up. You were one of my best friends, and we don't talk anymore. I hope you're happy.

Dear _____,

I don't even know where to begin. I'm terrible at staying in touch with people who live near me let alone people that live further away and I'm sorry for that. I miss being able to see you all the time and I still think of you as my best friend even though I might not have the right to anymore. Of all the pictures I have in frames, you are in most of them so I think of you everyday and sometimes I miss you so much that it overwhelms me and I want to call you. But I'm in a weird head-space lately and I don't know what I'd say. I do want to see you soon though. I love you.

Dear _____,

You were the first boy I ever really loved, did you know that? It almost seemed like it was fated; you ending up in the room right opposite mine, and from the first time you wrapped your arms around me on the steps outside the student union because we were cold, I knew something amazing was going to happen. And it did. If it wasn't for you, I might not have gone back to university after first year so in some ways I guess I owe getting through my degree to you. But oh, we used to fight. We used to scream at each other and say nasty words and make each other cry and it was so much sometimes that it felt like the world was ending. But we loved each other, didn't we? That used to bring us back together. That used to be enough, until it wasn't anymore. Something changed. I watched the distance grow and grow between us until I just felt empty inside, and I'm so sorry that I left it so long without saying anything. Maybe I thought it would fix itself and I didn't want to worry you. But I think I was just delaying the inevitable; trying to hold onto you for as long as I could, until I couldn't take it anymore. It was selfish of me, I know, to ambush you with it like I did. I still clearly remember you telling me "I feel like I don't know you anymore" and that shattered me. I still wish we could have retained some contact but I understand why it wasn't really possible, I don't know why I ever expected it to be.

 There are days when I miss you so much it makes my heart ache. There are days when I don't think about you at all. 

Dear Jack,

These days, I often don't want to go anywhere or see anyone. Social situations (unless I know about them in advance and can mentally prepare myself) are more likely to make me anxious as I try to avoid or deflect questions about my life with jokes that make it sound like I don't care. (I do care.) But you never make me feel like I have to be anything other than who I am, even if I don't know exactly who that is. I am such a grumpy bugger whilst you are a ray of fucking sunshine and I will always be glad to see you at the end of the day, even though I'm unlikely to ever tell you that to your face. You are an open book, whereas I am decidedly not, but it works. No one has ever been as patient with me as you are and I'm fully aware that I don't make things easy. I'm selfish and erratic and indecisive and sometimes I expect you to be a mind reader. But I've also never laughed with anyone as much as I have laughed with you. Whenever I have bad days and feel like I'm worthless, just having you near makes me feel human again and I'm eternally grateful for that. 

I'm forever yours.

Bloglovin'

25 facts about me, 21-25

This is way overdue, and my Dad gave me most of these (plus extra, which I'm not including because they're super embarrassing - why do parents have to remember everything?!).

21. For my 9th birthday (or thereabouts) I had a pool party on our compound in Saudi. One of my friends had bought me a new pool toy; it was like an inflatable caterpillar chair or something. I really liked it anyway, and when we got to the pool to have the party, my Dad got into the water and tried to jump up and sit on this caterpillar chair and the seat part of it popped, leaving me with just an inflatable caterpillar head. I was distraught and hysterically cried for ages, quickly eradicating any guilt my dad felt by overreacting to such an extreme. But the injustice of it all - I didn't get to play with it once! Another traumatic experience from my childhood.

22. We were on holiday in Sri Lanka when I was little and in our hotel I got into a lift on my own for some reason, leaving my parents frantically trying to find me while I hopped from floor to floor.

23. When I was small I used to make up songs about what I was doing and just sing them. There's video evidence of this. I was a musical prodigy.

24. Another Kenyan safari story - at the beginning of our 3 hour safari, I vomited on the floor of the van which I'm sure made it a wonderfully smelly journey for everyone else on the trip!

25. I used to prefer rainy days to sunny days. I think a lot of that came from living in Saudi for most of my childhood, where it is sunny the majority of the time, so it was always a novelty when it rained. Now I like an even balance between the two. I do still love a good rainy day though.

So that's it, that's my 25 facts, although it was more like 25 childhood memories! How people managed to come up with 50 is beyond me!

Song of the Day: Pompeii by Bastille

Currently reading: Linger - I'm almost finished though. It's actually pretty crap.

Day Seven: Details

I wasn't quite sure what to do for 'details', because it could be details of anything really. So I just decided to look at some of the details in my room and work from there, and here's what I came up with.

[One]

[Two]

[Three]

[Four]

[Five]

[Six]

[Seven]

One and Two: Dream-catcher that hangs in my room. I think my brother bought this for me? I'm not sure!


Three: I've had this for as long as I can remember. I love it because it's true, girls are best. It's cute too.


Four: This is actually a fridge magnet that I blue-tacked to my wall. My brother definitely got me this one when he was in holiday in Greece or somewhere, he knows me so well!


Five: My ticket from when me, Soph and Lydia went to see Wicked for Soph's birthday. I'm not usually particularly sentimental about holding onto tickets, but I thought this one was cool!


Six: My friend Lauren made this for me, inspired by the Edward Monkton cartoon.


Seven: When I was 19 I spent Christmas in Sydney with my family, but my mum and I left before my dad, and I think he gave these to my brother to give to me when he got back to the UK. I love sharks so I think these are pretty awesome! The one in the middle is my favourite.


Hope everyone is enjoying their Easter weekend! I have to work, boooo.


Song of the Day: Pumping On Your Stereo by Supergrass


Currently reading: I Dreamed of Africa. It's taking me ages because it is emotionally exhausting!

Day One: Something from my childhood

The good thing about living in the same house I have since I was born is that there are a lot of memories here. I just had to do a little digging to find ones that I could photograph. During my search, I also found my National Insurance card which I was slightly worried had fallen into the bin or something accidentally. Anyway, here's my photos!

(One)

(Two)

(Three)

(Four)

(Five)

(Six)

(Seven)

(Eight)

(Nine)

(Ten)

(Eleven)

One: Last summer when I was having a clear-out/sort-out of all the crap I have accumulated over the years, I found this book which I had completely forgotten about. It has dinosaurs and a time-machine and awesome illustrations, and I remember loving it when I was younger (mostly for the dinosaurs).


Two: Old school-work from when I was about five years old. I'm guessing this was some kind of writing exercise, I'm not quite sure why I chose to write about people who lived in tree-houses.


Three & Four: We got a family portrait done when I was about two, before we went to Saudi Arabia I think, and in it I'm wearing this dress and playing with a little tea-cup or something to try and keep me still.


Five & Six: Silly Putty! I used to love this stuff, I think I got these in my stocking one Christmas. Hours of fun.


Seven - Eleven: My Dad bought me this dollhouse kit that came with all the pieces and then he put it together for me. I remember him making it at the kitchen table in Saudi, and I remember really wanting it to be finished so I could play with it, but when he did finish I don't actually remember playing with it all that much! Sorry I was such an ungrateful child Dad. I'm sure it used to have loads of furniture but all I found was the table, and I didn't have any people for it, so I've used these South Park figurines which I also found this morning.


So that's day one over, it was fun! See you tomorrow with a new challenge.


Song of the Day: Just Like Heaven by The Cure


Currently reading: I Dreamed of Africa

My ear saga

As I'm pretty sure I've already mentioned, I have a blocked ear. I've had it over a week now, and the reason why I haven't done anything about it yet is because it unblocked a couple of times, and then just reblocked again. I got some olive oil drops from the chemist that I was supposed to use for up to week, but they haven't worked. To add to my misery, on Monday I woke up with a cold. You know how you can usually tell if you're going to get a cold, like a bit of a dry throat, maybe a bit of a runny nose? Yeah, I got none of that this time. I went to bed Sunday night feeling absolutely fine (other than my ear), and I woke up the next day sniffling annoyingly with a fully fledged cold. Wonderful, now I'm completely bunged up and incredibly irritable. 

Enough was enough, and I pledged to go to the doctors and get my ear syringed, which I've had done before a couple of years ago, and it is instant relief, just what I need. I set my alarm for 7.50am this morning so that I could ring the doctors as soon as it opened at 8, because if you don't call first thing then you'll be put on hold for the REST OF YOUR LIFE, as doctors surgeries are very busy places. I managed to get an appointment for 10.15, so I was pretty excited to finally get rid of the ringing in my ear.

I got Daf to take me down so I didn't have to wait on my own, and it was a good thing too because I was kept waiting for ages. I could feel myself getting more and more infuriated as people who were coming in after me got seen to before I did. Just before I was about to go up to the receptionist and say, "Hey, I've been waiting way longer than that baby!" my name got called. Finally.

When I got to the doctor's office, she asked me if it would be alright if my appointment was filmed for training purposes or whatever. I wasn't really keen on the idea but I didn't want to be a bitch so I told her that it was fine, and she went over to the corner and switched on the camera that was propped on the table-top. The following exchange went something like this:

Doctor: "So, what do you do, are you a student?"
Me: "Yep, I am indeed a student."
"Oh right, what are you studying?"
My brain: Please don't patronise me by pretending to give a crap about what I study, I have come to the doctors for a medical reason, not for a chat about my degree, however riveting it might be.
"History."
"Wow, are you enjoying it?"
Are you kidding me right now? 
"Yes thanks, not much longer left now though, I'm in my last year."
Oh great, and now I'm engaging you in conversation.
"So you've got exams and stuff then?"
"Just the one."
This is ridiculous.

Eventually, she got around to actually asking me what was wrong with me, so I told her about my blocked ear, that it had been like this over a week now and that I'd had some drops which hadn't done anything. She asked if I had a ringing in my ear, so I said yes. She gave me a quick examination, looked at my throat, felt my glands, and then finally looked in my ears (my original complaint). As I had suspected - and told the doctor - it was wax which was causing the blockage, and she told me there was a couple things that could be done for me. One was to try drops for another week and see if that works, and the other was to syringe it. Obviously, I said I wanted it syringed as the drops I'd had weren't working. I thought she could just syringe it there and then, but no, I had to book a separate appointment with a nurse for this. And in the meantime, I've been prescribed some different drops anyway. 

So basically, a day which was supposed to see the glorious re-instatment of the hearing in my right ear has turned into the beginning of a whole WEEK before I can go and get it syringed.

In short, I'm not best pleased. But this whole saga has reminded me of when I was younger and we went on holiday to Bali. The swimming pool at the hotel had a water feature that was kind of like a mini waterfall which flowed down into the actual pool. I don't remember how old I was, about 8 sounds about right, but anyway, I was clearly an idiot because I stuck my head under it, sideways so that all the rushing water went directly into my ear. Instant ear infection.  

******

Today I'm loving: Nothing, everything SUCKS.

Today I'm hatin': Ears.

Song of the Day: Buzzin' by Mann feat. 50 Cent, not because it's a particularly good song, but purely for the lyrics: 

They come around like honey/'Cause I'm fly like a bee     

Nicknames

In my lifetime, I have been awarded several nicknames, some of which are variations on my name, and some which are purely from the imaginations of my Dad/brother/friends/boyfriend.

In no particular order:
Em
Emmy
Emmington
Emma the Bemma the Queen of the Blues (shortened to Em-Bem)
Chappers
Chapstick
Chappy
S.B (Second Born)
T.B (I'm not telling you what that stands for)
Ogden
Roland
Pink-eye (in year six I had pink frames for my glasses)
Jizz-eye (when I was in 6th form I kept getting conjunctivitis and one of the boys started this charming nick-name)
Velma (from Scooby-Doo)
Dubs
Poops
Poopington 

There's probably a few more but I think that'll do for now. Ogden was fairly prominent at one stage. I think there's a poet called Ogden Nash, and my brother James heard the name somewhere, thought it was really funny and just started calling me Ogden. At first I kind of thought it was funny too, and so I would respond to it (big mistake.) Pretty soon however, it had become old news and I began to tire of humouring James and just wanted my real name back. So I started to ignore James when he called me anything other than my name and figured eventually he would get the point and leave me alone. I remember sitting in my room once, reading a book or whatever the cool kids were doing back then, and James started calling me down for dinner.

"Ogden, teatime! Come and help me set the table!"

Sticking to my new regime, I ignored him. Twenty seconds later:

"Ogggg-dennnnn!"

Again, I did nothing. Sooner or later he'd have to use my real name. Another twenty seconds or so went by and then I heard my Dad's voice booming up the stairs:

"Oi! Ogden!"

Marvellous.

******

Today I'm loving: That it's Monday, and Monday is GLEE DAY!

Today I'm hatin': That I have been attacked by a cold completely out of nowhere. Sneak-attack, not cool.

Song of the Day: Ice Cream by Sarah McLachlan

Your love is better than ice cream/Better than anything else that I've tried

A trip down memory lane

I'm going to write a post about Saudi Arabia, because I haven't done that yet and feel like I should.

It's quite hard to write about, because in the past I've found that people just cannot comprehend the fact that I used to live there. If I tell someone I used to live abroad, they look all interested and say, "Oh wow, really, where?", but when you tell them Saudi Arabia, their eyes glaze over, they say something like, "Oh, right", and then maybe politely ask a question or two to feign interest.

My parents are teachers, and when me and James were small, they successfully applied for teaching positions at a British school in Saudi. I was only two years old when we moved out there, and that's where I spent my incredibly happy childhood. We lived on a compound called Green Valley, which had two swimming pools, a corner shop, a restaurant, tennis courts and a park, to name a few. There were a lot of kids around my age, and the beauty of it being a compound was that they were all right on my doorstep. I was never a lonely child.

The school I went to is the same one that my Mum still teaches at. I've been to four different schools overall, and it is definitely the one that I have the best memories from. I loved the school in England where I went to 6th form (for the most part), but I was in Saudi for much longer and so the good times there definitely out-weigh those from other schools. It was a big campus which was shared with an American school. The classes were small, everyone was friendly, the weather was great (although quite humid at times), the teachers knew who you were and what you were like. 

After I had finished year 5 (which would make me 10 years old), we left Saudi and came back to the UK. I think my parents wanted a change, as there are a lot of limitations in Saudi - especially for women. It was strange starting a new school, where no-one knew who I was, and they certainly didn't understand where I came from. A lot of people thought I was American, because I had picked up elements of an American accent whilst in Saudi - a side-effect of having a lot of American friends. I remember sneezing once in class and someone said, "The American sneeze!" and everyone laughed. I was completely bemused - I couldn't hear it. 

The other kids in my class also had trouble accepting that I was British. We had kept our house while we were in Saudi so that we had a base for the summer and Christmas holidays, and it was also convenient to have somewhere to live once we had left Saudi. But when I started my new school and told people where I used to live, they'd look at me in confusion and say, "So...you're Arabic then?" I grew tired of telling people that no, I wasn't Arabic, I was born in England to English parents - in fact, I was probably born in the same hospital that they were. 

People had no concept of what living in Saudi was like - which I can't blame them for. We were in a P.E. lesson when I was still pretty new and someone asked me if I spoke Arabic. Although we had Arabic lessons, I was not particularly advanced and could only say a few basics. One of the boys overheard the conversation and was confused as to how I could go to school in Saudi if I couldn't speak Arabic. When I told him that I went to a British school, he shook his head at me. "You lived in Saudi Arabia but you went to a British school? That makes no sense." It infuriated me. Luckily, once the novelty wore off, people stopped asking me questions about it and I was able to carry on as normal, but it still made me dread meeting new people for a while, if this was what everyone was going to be like.

We ended up going back to Saudi a couple of years later, but I'll save that for another day.

Today I'm loving: This.

 
Today I'm hatin': Charlie Sheen. Just get off the TV already, I don't care that you got sacked.

Song of the Day: From Now On by Nada Surf
I'm such a lucky mess/I just need some rest/Take me along/From now on

Gone but not forgotten

Two people of certain significance in my life have died in the last few days. The first is Brian Jacques, the author of the Redwall books. James (my brother) had quite a few of these books and so I started reading them, and became hooked. I just loved the whole idea of mice and otters and hedgehogs running around, fighting off evil foxes or something (it makes sense if you read them - if you haven't already then you should!). Although they are aimed at a younger audience, they are not at all patronising, and they're very cleverly written. I'm still happy to read them now, I feel that sentimental about them. I think they have everything you want from a good story, and they remind me of the school holidays when I spent the whole summer reading. My favourite is The Bellmaker, but I still haven't read them all. Once I've graduated, and I have time to spend reading whatever I want, I think I'm going to try and read them all. Thank you, Brian Jacques, for filling my imagination with kick-ass little mice beating up the bad guys.

The second is Gary Moore, who used to play the guitar for Thin Lizzy but he also did a lot of solo material. My Dad is a big Gary Moore fan, and every time he put on a Gary Moore CD when I was younger, he would say to me and James: "This is Gary Moore. He's a really good guitarist you know." It sort of became an ongoing joke because he would say it every single time, even when we knew perfectly well who he was. I haven't heard any Gary Moore material in a long time now, and had sort of forgotten about him, but he's clearly embedded in my consciousness because when I read that he had died, it brought on a wave of nostalgia. On the day he died, I had an email from my Dad saying, and I quote: "What a sad day! He really was a great guitarist!" Yes he was, Dad, yes he was.

R.I.P Brian Jacques and Gary Moore. Thanks for the memories.

It ain't like it used to be

I went to pick up my new glasses today, and I can see pretty well when I'm wearing them which, let's face it, is all you really need from a pair of glasses. I nipped into Spar on the way back to pick up More! magazine (because I am cool) and I saw a new copy of the Beano. I was really close to buying it, but I knew it wouldn't be the same as it was when I was a kid and it would just ruin my childhood Beano memories.

Children's TV isn't what it used to be either, at least not on the standard Freeview channels. CBBC and CITV used to have awesome shows on before and after school, but these days there's nothing that I really recognise. The only thing that's any good is Spongebob Squarepants but it's on stupidly early and I never get to see it because I don't have Sky. Not that this is about me, of course... it's about the children of today. Oh, and I like Shaun the Sheep  too, but that doesn't count because it's a spin off of Wallace and Gromit which is old now. I feel like if I was still little I wouldn't really like any of the shows that get put on for children, it's just not of the same calibre than it was back in MY day. I mean, sure, kids can read a book, or go and play outside with their friends, but where's the fun in that?

The best thing about old cartoons and kids TV shows were the theme songs. Especially Disney ones. We had the Disney Channel when I lived in Saudi and the theme songs were often better than the actual shows themselves. You can find some of my favourites here, here, and here, if you feel so inclined. They are all awesome.

I didn't really have a direction for today's post, I just wanted to write something and I saw the Beano and it gave me something to write about. I think I can safely say that this post certainly fits the definition of a useless ramble though, and that's the important thing.

I got the picture from Google Images, but it's originally from a website called www.davesbits.co.uk, just so I'm not breaking any copyright laws or anything. Anyway, I think that'll do, I fear I'm becoming incoherent.

Today I'm loving: Vision, it's so underrated, don't you think?

Today I'm hatin': Modern children's television, in case you hadn't guessed.

Song of the Day: It's You by Annie Stela.

Oh I may be young/But I know when I love someone/When I love someone/And it's you