Woeful Wednesday

I'm having one of those days.

Dark clouds have gathered in a manner that has me peering out of the window every two minutes, scrutinising the sky with increasing suspicion, just waiting for the rain to fall. It's not supposed to rain; I have checked and re-checked the weather forecast, and when I put my washing out to dry earlier on the sun was shining. But not now. It's going to rain, I can feel it, but my washing isn't quite dry yet so I don't want to bring it in until I absolutely have to. So I'm waiting. Waiting for it to start to rain so that I can say, "I told you so," to no one in particular - to myself, I guess, there's no one else here. I could just get it in now and hang it inside to finish drying, but I know if I do that it won't rain, and I'll wish I had left it alone. It's Sod's law.

It took me ages to get to sleep last night because I had the theme song from Red Dwarf stuck in my head (it's a song I enjoy, but it's not exactly a lullaby), and as a result I woke up in a bad mood with a headache. There was nothing in particular I fancied for breakfast and so I didn't have any, and besides, I wasn't all that hungry. I had to wait in for a delivery which always sets me on edge, I don't know why, and it turned out I needn't have bothered because it ended up fitting through the letterbox anyway.

I'm cold but I don't want to put the heating on, not yet, and I want to make a cup of tea even though I only just had one. I don't know what I'm going to have for my dinner; I don't even know what my options are, I haven't checked the fridge or cupboards. So I'll probably just have whatever requires the least amount of effort because I'm tired and grumpy and seriously considering putting on some pyjamas and giving up this day as a complete and utter write-off.

So yeah, I'm having one of those days. And I'm still waiting on the rain.

Song of the Day: For What It's Worth by The Cardigans (A four letter word got stuck in my head/The dirtiest word that I've ever said/It's making me feel alright)

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I'm a grown-up, and grown-ups go to the dentist

I've been meaning to post some of the photos I took in Newquay up here, but truth be told they're still on my camera. I'll get round to it. I will.

In other news, I went to the dentist this morning for my annual check-up. Normally when I go to the dentist all that happens is I sit in a chair, Mr. Dentist asks me if I've had any problems, I say no, he counts my teeth, charges me £18 for the privilege and then sends me on my merry way. Easy.

Today, after counting my teeth Mr. Dentist decided to give them a little extra clean for me and then take an X-ray. He said that he didn't suspect there were any problems but it couldn't hurt to make sure. In all honesty I think he was a bit bored and felt like playing with some of his dentist toys. 

This is the first time ever in my life that I have had anything done at the dentist other than getting my teeth counted, so I know I'm one of those lucky people who doesn't have any dentist horror stories (so far at least, touch wood!). But getting my teeth cleaned was horrible; I hated it. It didn't hurt exactly, it was just incredibly uncomfortable and made my entire head vibrate and the sounds it made were horrendous. Also I did not enjoy having two people (Mr. Dentist and his lovely assistant) looking inside my mouth. I felt like saying, "Look, I know you're only doing your jobs and everything, but can you just sort of piss off?" Of course it's hard to say that with a suction thingymabob in your mouth, but I tried to express the sentiment through my eyes.

Immediately following the torture, it was time for my X-ray. We had the following exchange:

Mr. Dentist - "We'll do your right side first."
Me - "My right or your right?"
Mr. Dentist - "Your right."
Me - "So my right?"
Mr. Dentist - "...yes."
Me - "OK."
Mr. Dentist - tries to put the thingymabob in my mouth and says "Could you relax your tongue for me?"
Me - pushes my tongue into my cheek.
Mr. Dentist - "Relax your tongue."
Me - nods and does no such thing.
Mr. Very Patient Dentist - "No, just relax your tongue."
Me - finally relaxes my tongue.
Mr. Dentist - audible sigh of relief.

After that, I was all finished and got to pay and leave, somewhat traumatised from my ordeal but at least I got my moneys worth this time. In fairness, it can't exactly be a barrel of laughs, being a dentist. I mean, I know they get paid pretty well but god, at what cost?

Currently reading: I cheated and read Queen of Shadows by Sarah J. Maas before I'd finished Ready Player One so I'm back to that now. I think I was disappointed. I enjoyed it but some of the characters seemed a bit out of character compared to the previous books and it made it a bit infuriating to read.

Song of the Day: Grow by Frances

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BANK HOLIDAY

So it's bank holiday, it's raining (naturally), and on the Eden channel there are back to back shark documentaries on alllllll day.

In other words, it's pretty much the perfect day.

Tomorrow, Jack and I are off to Newquay for a couple of days and I have spent a ridiculously long time making a roadtrip playlist for the journey. It's mostly stuff I know Jack will enjoy but I may have sneaked some Taylor Swift and Avril Lavigne in there. Maybe. It will be a lovely surprise for him, I'm sure. I'm hoping the weather will hold out but this is England after all so I can't ask for too much. As long as it stays dry I'll be happy. The hotel we're staying at is right next to the one where they filmed The Witches. Jack asked if I wanted to stay there and I said, "Are you crazy? What if the Grand High Witch is there?" He's lucky I'm here to think these things through.

I'll be back when I'm back. Obviously.

Song of the Day: Jump Into The Fog by The Wombats 

Currently reading: Ready Player One. Still. I sort of accidentally haven't picked it up in ages.

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It's nice to be looked after

I love having my parents in the same country as me again because it means I never really have to worry about meals - they will always feed me. That's not to say that when they're not here I don't eat, because that would be silly. I just mean that when teatime creeps up on me, I don't have to suddenly decide what to cook, because someone is already doing the cooking for me. 

Yesterday, my parents went to meet friends during the day and so had their 'main-meal' at lunch time, so come the evening they were just going to have something small, leaving me to fend for myself (how selfish of them). But I discovered something new: if I stand in front of the fridge looking sad and pathetic for long enough, my dad will make me cauliflower cheese for my dinner. With chorizo, because I'm fancy.

Don't get me wrong; I'm an adult, I'm perfectly capable of looking after myself. It's just nice when someone else offers.

Also, a few weeks ago when I wrote about wanting to read The Martian, my dad came back from town with a copy of it for me, which is why it's sometimes useful to have parents who read your blog; surprise gifts. I finished it yesterday by they way, and it's really good, I would definitely recommend it. I've never rooted for a character so much in my entire life. Admittedly, it's hard not to root for someone who's been stranded alone on Mars, but still. Next up I'm reading Ready Player One by Ernest Cline, and then after that I think I'm going to start the Daughter of Smoke and Bone trilogy by Laini Taylor because it was recommended to me by my lovely friend Lydia. Yay, books! 

Song of the Day: Alive by Empire of the Sun

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Shut Up and Dance

If you're suffering from the Monday blues, or even if you're not, you must watch this video immediately. It made me SO happy.

Enjoy.

Song of the Day: Shut Up and Dance by Walk The Moon

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Letters I will never send

I've been listening to the album Fires by Nerina Pallot a lot lately and for some reason it made me think of things and people that I haven't thought about in years. It's interesting to me that sometimes even though people may only be in your life fleetingly, they can still have an impact on how you see the world, or how you view relationships. Everyone you meet has the ability to help you grow in their own way, I guess. Anyway, I got inspired to write a few letters to people. Some involve wounds that have long since healed, but it felt quite cathartic to write everything down anyway. They're mostly to boys, such is life. I've left out the names on all except one, because these are real people and y'know, privacy. I could have just written these in a diary and left them there for me to read only, but in the end I wanted to put them here. So I'm releasing them into the void.

Dear _____,

I used to think I was in love with you, which is so silly to me now but it's how I felt at the time. Oh to be young and hopelessly naive. You had a girlfriend who went to a different college and so I knew it was utterly useless and one-sided, but you used to flirt with me outrageously. Always giving me hugs and pulling me onto your lap and making me feel like I was special. Looking back at it now, you knew; you must have known how I felt, and yet you toyed with me anyway. You left me dangling on a string, lapping up any attention you threw my way. That was really shitty of you.

Dear _____,

You seemed to come into my life out of nowhere but somehow at just the right time, and I fell head over heels pretty quickly. We weren't together for very long, but you were wonderful and I'm grateful to you for a lot of reasons, mostly how you always treated me with such care. I'm glad that you ended things when you did because I think that if you had left it much later you would have broken my heart. It's been almost nine years, but I still remember you fondly. I wish you well.

Dear _____,

You somewhat misguidedly decided to confess your feelings for me while we were in the cinema with friends watching Happy Feet, and even though I didn't feel the same, you never accused me of putting you in the 'friend-zone' (ugh). Your friendship meant the world to me and I was so worried it would never be the same again, that you wouldn't want to face me. But you never let it get awkward, you just let it go and never treated my friendship as a consolation prize. You easily could have just ignored me for the rest of the year but I'm so glad you didn't - you made that year a bit more bearable for me. Thank you.

Dear _____,

If I could go back in time and not meet someone, it would be you. Your brief presence in my life did absolutely nothing for me and I still don't know what I was thinking. I always knew it would end. I just wish it hadn't started in the first place. 

Dear _____,

I'm so glad that you're one of the people I'm still in contact with. No matter how much time passes between us seeing each other, it is always seamless when we're together. I hope no measure of time changes that. Even though we had that turbulent year and I spent a lot of time angry at you and thinking you were the worst of us, you were actually always the best of us. You still are. I'll see you soon.

Dear _____,

I don't know if you'd even remember this, drunk as you were, but once you ended up on the phone to me while you guys were all out partying and I wasn't, and at first you said you wanted some girl advice, but then you told me that you missed me because I hadn't been around much lately. And then you said that my boyfriend would never love me like you did. You paused, and then you laughed a little, and so I laughed too. But I always wondered if you meant it - alcohol tends to loosen the tongue after all. You never mentioned it again, you'd probably forgotten and so I didn't bring it up. You were one of my best friends, and we don't talk anymore. I hope you're happy.

Dear _____,

I don't even know where to begin. I'm terrible at staying in touch with people who live near me let alone people that live further away and I'm sorry for that. I miss being able to see you all the time and I still think of you as my best friend even though I might not have the right to anymore. Of all the pictures I have in frames, you are in most of them so I think of you everyday and sometimes I miss you so much that it overwhelms me and I want to call you. But I'm in a weird head-space lately and I don't know what I'd say. I do want to see you soon though. I love you.

Dear _____,

You were the first boy I ever really loved, did you know that? It almost seemed like it was fated; you ending up in the room right opposite mine, and from the first time you wrapped your arms around me on the steps outside the student union because we were cold, I knew something amazing was going to happen. And it did. If it wasn't for you, I might not have gone back to university after first year so in some ways I guess I owe getting through my degree to you. But oh, we used to fight. We used to scream at each other and say nasty words and make each other cry and it was so much sometimes that it felt like the world was ending. But we loved each other, didn't we? That used to bring us back together. That used to be enough, until it wasn't anymore. Something changed. I watched the distance grow and grow between us until I just felt empty inside, and I'm so sorry that I left it so long without saying anything. Maybe I thought it would fix itself and I didn't want to worry you. But I think I was just delaying the inevitable; trying to hold onto you for as long as I could, until I couldn't take it anymore. It was selfish of me, I know, to ambush you with it like I did. I still clearly remember you telling me "I feel like I don't know you anymore" and that shattered me. I still wish we could have retained some contact but I understand why it wasn't really possible, I don't know why I ever expected it to be.

 There are days when I miss you so much it makes my heart ache. There are days when I don't think about you at all. 

Dear Jack,

These days, I often don't want to go anywhere or see anyone. Social situations (unless I know about them in advance and can mentally prepare myself) are more likely to make me anxious as I try to avoid or deflect questions about my life with jokes that make it sound like I don't care. (I do care.) But you never make me feel like I have to be anything other than who I am, even if I don't know exactly who that is. I am such a grumpy bugger whilst you are a ray of fucking sunshine and I will always be glad to see you at the end of the day, even though I'm unlikely to ever tell you that to your face. You are an open book, whereas I am decidedly not, but it works. No one has ever been as patient with me as you are and I'm fully aware that I don't make things easy. I'm selfish and erratic and indecisive and sometimes I expect you to be a mind reader. But I've also never laughed with anyone as much as I have laughed with you. Whenever I have bad days and feel like I'm worthless, just having you near makes me feel human again and I'm eternally grateful for that. 

I'm forever yours.

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It's a bit warm out

Me: "It's hot today."

Jack: "It might be too hot."

 - a conversation Jack and I have every single time the temperature exceeds 22 degrees (Celsius). 

But yeah, that's my life at the moment. It's too hot, always. Even right now, it's raining but it's still too hot. I can't cope with the heat as well as I used to be able to, which is a bit strange because I used to live in Saudi Arabia (which is a very hot country, in case you were wondering). But then again, the house I lived in there had air-conditioning, as did all the classrooms in my school, and all the shops and supermarkets and so on. There is no air conditioning in my house here. There is no escape. Oh well, at least I can watch Wimbledon safe in the knowledge that at least I'm not as hot as the tennis players are. Silver linings.

My brother James has recently been having debates on Facebook with people who still believe the earth is flat. He told me about this on Friday and it made me irrationally angry. There's plenty of things that you can have plausible conspiracy theories about, but the earth being flat is not one of them. It's basic science. Apparently they think that the satellite pictures and everything have all been doctored. I was thinking about this intermittently and a couple of days ago we were sitting in the garden and I turned to James and said, "How do the flat-earthers explain the seasons then? Or time differences? Or why when it's summer here it's winter in Australia?"

And he said, "They can't."

Oh.

Each to their own, I suppose.

Song of the Day: Saying Goodbye by Every Avenue

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